My children....I would have had.

I keep saying to myself I am going to get on here more often. I really need to. Something about just getting it all out makes it s much better. I've done a lot of talking to God. He knows my heart through and through.
 As I sit here tonight all I can do is think. I am calculating months and years and here is the numbers and thoughts I have come up with.

 Baby number 1 my due date was May 2012 he/she would be 2 now.
Baby number 2 my due date October 2012 he/she would just have turned 2.
Baby number 3 tubal in right tube my due date September 2013 13 months.
Baby number 4 my due date June 2014 4 months.
Baby number 5 tubal in left tube, I would be about 6 months pregnant right now. I would have found out the sex. Probably decorated a nursery this time.

It's so depressing when you think about never having another small child to hold. Especially When you have a child and you know exactly what you are missing out on. Not to diminish The hurt of those who have no children. My heart goes out to anyone going through this. I look around at so many people having babies. I hear the words Babies are a miracle, or Children are a gift from God so casually thrown around. Have you ever sat and thought about exactly What that means? Have you just been amazed at what a miracle life is? I have. I see it all over facebook and in the world and I know how blessed those people are. I hope that with everything you have you are thanking and praising God for your children, and for that healthy pregnancy you had with no complications. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I look back at my pregnancy with Kyle. Not one day of morning sickness, no hospital visits, I could freely talk about my pregnancy, and baby without a care in the world because I had never experienced loss. I know in Heaven I will be reunited with all my children. I don't know why God had this plan for us. My husband and I have much praying and planning to do come December. We must decide once and for all wether to give it a rest. I'm still hoping with all I am that God wants us to know he's in control. He wants to show us what kind of miracles he can bring into our life and in the end he will get all the glory. Thanks friends for listening.

Two most insensitive comments I hear a lot...

" you want more kids, here you can have one of mine." And my all time favorite...
" just relax it will happen when you're not worried about it." Ok gee thanks so it's my fault this happening to me. Don't be that person stop saying these things.

2 more losses..

Well my last post was a while ago. Just after we returned home from Disneyworld I found out I was pregnant again. Number 4. Lost that one too. I was still confident. We were very consistent in trying again. In March I got another big fat positive. We were so happy but then I started having some issues. I went to the doctor and got the worst news ever! ANOTHER ECTOPIC PREGNANCY. Not only that but this time it was in the other tube. I chose to do the shot treatment. Went through the same thing again. We were highly advised to do IVF or adoption for my sake and health. Right now we are just trying to take a break.